I spent three days last week helping to facilitate a workshop with professionals that were seeking to develop their ability to collaborate more effectively in times of continuous change and stress. It was an honor to be a part of their journey of self-discovery and risk taking in service of their own professional development. The group of sixteen participants came from various organizations; large and small, public and private, non-profit and for profit. All are leaders in their respective organizations and are looking to be even more effective managers in turbulent times.

The workshop placed a high premium on developing one’s emotional intelligence (EQ) during times of high anxiety which was manufactured throughout the three days by having the participants focus on what was happening for them in the “here and now.” The emphasis on immediacy proved to be a challenging exercise. This was especially true for a group of people who were unfamiliar with each other, had no common objective or culture to draw upon, and had no sense of order or rank as they would in any of the organizations they work for. The result was a fantastic and challenging environment to learn and apply the core EQ skills of self-awareness, self-regulation and empathy under duress while in relationship with others.

The power of the “here and now” experience is that it is dramatically different from the ordinary “there and then” conversations we have most of the time. Talking about what is real for me by using “I” statements and reporting my senses, thoughts, feelings and wants in real-time increases the relational intensity. Several participants commented during the three days that the experience felt like therapy, which always seems to be the proverbial gorilla in the room when it comes to EQ work in professional settings.

So what is the difference and where is the line between therapy and EQ you ask. The way I see it is that therapy is an incredibly powerful tool and resource to help individuals explore and get clear on where patterns, beliefs and actions they act out consciously and unconsciously come from based upon their culture and upbringings.  Therapy seeks to understand the “why’s” behind our thoughts that take time to explore and generally require looking at our past in service of understanding our present. Therapy is valuable work for sure with many different modalities but it is not always accepted or appreciated in corporate cultures that are forced to focus on the behaviors and results of today.

EQ development, from my perspective, seeks to keep participants focused on what is occurring in the moment during stressful times and to raise their curiosity about how they impact others under duress.  EQ work also helps to develop strategies to improve how I manage my own emotional anxiety so that I can remain connected and effective in relationship with others. Put simply, EQ focuses on the present tense with an eye toward shaping the future.

The only way to do this EQ work, in my judgment, is to pay more attention to how others react and respond to me while simultaneously monitoring how I respond to others in the moment. Going a step further, EQ work also involves taking the risk to communicate directly about those experiences (yours and mine) in real-time. For some that type of work may seem like therapy because there has to be greater intrapersonal awareness to drive effective interpersonal interactions. But I would argue that type of EQ work is very different from trying to judge or figure out why I or the other person acts or responds the way we do.

This level of interpersonal consciousness takes time and energy to develop and flexes new muscles that many people are not accustomed to using and many organizations disregard all together. The result can be a bumpy road that is not unlike any other new skill development journey that takes the adult learner through the following four phases according to Noel Burch:

1)      unconscious incompetence

2)      conscious incompetence

3)      conscious competence

4)      unconscious competence  

In the end I’m not sure it ultimately matters what we label the work. If someone has a negative judgment toward therapy or emotions in the workplace, then EQ work may be too risky or “touchy-feely” for them or their organization. My belief is those reactions and resistance are unfortunate because at the end of the day we are social animals that survive and thrive in connection with others and are driven by our emotions. Organizations are built on the collection and interactions of the individuals in them. To avoid being curious about how to maximize our EQ effectiveness in interpersonal interactions for fear of what we may discover about ourselves seems very shortsighted to me.

Finally, to those that participated in the workshop and took the risk to lean into the EQ learning regardless of their reactions, I honor your courage and hope you inspire others with your learning’s; no matter how you decide to label them.