In a recent client discussion regarding emotional intelligence we got to talk about one of my favorite subjects, perspective taking. We were discussing a specific set of interactions they recently experienced at work and how they thought they had shown up as a peer, leader and individual while under duress.

A big part of my work with individuals is to raise their awareness of themselves in challenging situations so that they can be more conscious of the choices they have in the moment and make more effective relational decisions. Most successful people do a lot of what they are good at unconsciously because they have mastered the skills through practice and repetition, which leads to the results they want. Therefor the behavior or reactions get reinforced by the results over time and happen more and more automatically. Ala, “I have a hammer that I know how to swing so everything must be a nail. “

The challenge comes when we seek to try and change the routines to make different choices to get different outcomes on the fly because the old automatic responses are not as effective as they used to be. In other words, everything is not a nail, especially when it comes to human beings under duress.

The goal of the work I do with clients is to help them generate more choices to choose from with a variety of individuals in a variety of intense situations. The trap with this work is that the individual has to simultaneously accept that there is never a perfect choice. Yet if they only ever keep swinging the hammer, eventually someone or something is going to break.

So the key is to create and select different choices and then pay attention to what happens next with the person they are engaged with in the moment rather than obsess about what choice they made or didn’t make. This is a lot easier said then done for most successful individuals that are generally too hard on themselves.

Perspective taking is a way to generate more choices and comes into play in a couple of ways in the EQ work I do. First, there is the ability to be aware of what is going on for the other while simultaneously being aware of oneself in the moment. We call it empathy and it requires the individual to be curious about and aware of what is happening for the other person in an intense interaction. Stepping into or taking the other person’s perspective certainly helps with empathy accuracy.

The second perspective-taking concept I explored with my client was about the situation he was in and how he was showing up. For this we talked about what I call accessing the balcony. From there you can see yourself and the other person in the interaction while you are in it. A tricky maneuver to do in real-time, but one that definitely helps see things differently.

The goal in going to the balcony is to be able to take yourself out of the emotionally charged interaction so that you can see what is happening to you in the moment. You become an observer of yourself and the situation in the moment, so that you can then course correct when you return to being in the present with the other person.

The key to doing this well, in my experience, is to avoid being critical of yourself from the balcony. Unlike the famous gallery gods I grew up with back in the old Boston Garden who were famous for their brutal triads from the smoke-filled upper balconies during Bruins games, it does not serve anyone to use the balcony view to beat up on ourselves in the moment. Those tirades only serve to distract us and take us out of being present despite how tempting they are to most high performing perfectionists.

Going up to the balcony provides a different perspective than what is experienced at ice level. From up high, you can see the play develop, recognize the patterns and more easily identify when to swing the hammer and more importantly when not to. You can also be more curious about how you are reacting to certain things down below when you get some distance from the intensity.

So next time you find yourself in a particularly challenging situation try the following perspective shift by asking yourself the following questions:

1) I wonder what this looks like from above?
2) Now that I am here, what do I see differently?
3) What else could I try when I return below?

Over time the ability to simultaneously zoom in and out from the balcony to gain additional perspective will lead to more choices and more results even in the midst of increasingly diverse relationally intense situations leaders face into today’s organizations.