Saying no and receiving no’s is not easy work. As a Type 9 Enneagram (Peacemaker) and a recovering conflict avoider (Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument), getting comfortable with no is something l continue to work on. It is also no accident that the topic frequently comes up with the clients I work with both from the perspective of saying and receiving no.

Saying no in organizations where there is power in play is risky business and can be downright scary depending on the environment one finds themself in. That said I truly believe in the power of no’s within organizations as a way to build trust.

I once heard this great quote, that I can’t attribute, which speaks to the latent potential of no. It says, “They won’t appreciate your yes until they know your no.” I often wonder if all of this positivity can come from no, then why is it so hard to say it?

For most of my clients and me, it is often the fear of disappointing the other person that gets in the way. It feels bad, selfish and potentially risky to say no to your boss, your friend or colleague.

Questions like …

  • How will they take it?
  • Will they ever ask me to do anything else?
  • Will I be labeled as not a team player?

immediately come to mind and have been expressed when I inquire into the fear of saying no.

So begins the mental mind games and lost productivity spent trying to figure out what to do. How do I decline gracefully without offending anyone or losing respect? Before you spend too much valuable time pondering what’s next, here is what I suggest you do to take action.

First – Re-direct the mind games to focus on seriously considering the request by truly understanding and exploring the details of request. Consider the time commitments and the implications of the request. Then seek support in reviewing it objectively, have a conversation about it with someone you trust who is more removed from it. In other words, do your homework and give yourself space to do so. That way you can make an informed, conscious and intentional decision.

Second – Take action rather than hedging. Once you have made up your mind, courageously say no if that is your decision. Don’t avoid it, or say maybe or hope it goes away.

Third – When it comes to saying no, how you do it matters. Try to be in person if you can, as e-mails are so easily misinterpreted. Be grateful that they came to you with the request. Provide the truth in terms of why you are saying no, without too much detail. Offer alternative solutions, like suggesting another colleague or sharing tools or resources you have. Finally, you can check for the impact to make sure there is no gap between your intention of saying no and how the recipient is receiving the decision.

Equally as important is how the person receiving the no takes it. It is critical that they hold their end of the bargain in order to build trust, especially if they are a leader with power and authority in the relationship. Here are my tips for success if you are the lucky recipient of a clean and clear no.

First – Thank the person for their courage to say no and honor them for being confident enough to say no.

Second – Share with them the impact of their decision with you to ensure there is no unintentional communication gap and then move on.

Third – Explore with them their alternative solutions they provided and make use of them if you can. If you truly need them to do the request, then ask them about and collaborate with them to evaluate and re-prioritize their work they are currently doing so that you can free them up to focus on the task you need them to do. This is especially important in resource-constrained environments, where the tendency is to just keep loading the mule. If everyone is maxed out, it might be time to consider additional resources.

Fourth – Check in with your colleagues and employees to find out if they feel safe saying no. The answers may surprise you. If they don’t, then take it upon yourself to encourage them to get comfortable giving and receiving no.

Imagine a company climate where employees feel safe, secure and empowered to say no and the leaders are adept at receiving that response skillfully. It is possible but requires courage to take the risk to do so in service of building a culture of trust. So get out there and start playing with no, both the giving and receiving of it. There is power, freedom and vitality in it.